I feel like what we need is a Tarantino-esque remake of LITTLE WOMEN. Just, go with me for a minute, here. I’m picturing a nine picture franchise deal, exec produced by Oprah, directed by Ava Duvernay. We’ll shoot all nine films, simultaneously to save money. And we also get to see the girls grow up as they are sent off to the orphanage, where Michael Caine looks after them, right? Like Batman. In the first film, the sisters must compete in a martial arts battle to the death, to win the hand of Laurie in marriage. Laurie of course has no say in the matter. He’ll happily marry whoever wins, right? And of course, it’s going to be bad-ass Jo, right? But at the last minute, after she has slaughtered all her sisters, Jo throws down her sword and walks away, in kind of a f**K you to the system, right? Leaving poor Laurie, unwed. He’s a guy, he’ll walk it off, it’ll be fine. She then goes on to publish a slim volume of verse entitled “How I did it my way.” End, first movie. Oh and hey, how about in a surprise twist, we cast Adam Driver as Jo? Joe March, right? You know, like they did with Starbuck in GALACTICA? We’ll put a pin in that and revisit it later, see if he is available… So, end first movie, beginning of the second: Camera pulls back to reveal 1990’s London. Young Jo March has now grown into, get this… J.K. Rowling, right? Ooo, note to self: I wonder if J.K. Simmons would be interested in that part? Anyway, squalid London flat. She’s divorced, single, raising twelve kids, but all she wants to do is write. She’s clacking away on her old Remington. In the background we hear her mother, Professor McGonagall saying something like, “Why are you wasting all yer time on that writing nonsense, luv? You need to get a proper job, you do.” They are so poor she can’t even afford paper for the typewriter, so she is typing the novels on the backs of old purple mimeographs, right? But unfortunately, after nine volumes of THE BOY WHO CAN’T BE NAMED RADCLIFFE, the fumes from the old mimeographs have given her a kind of brain damage and she goes off on a horrible transphobic rant and ruins her career. Sadly, this controversy kills off the franchise and the other seven movies are never released. Well, that and poor box office, because as everyone in Hollywood knows, women’s pictures don’t make money, right? But thankfully Hulu buys the rights to the franchise and is rebooting it as a series, penned by Norman Lear and starring Billy Porter as Rita Moreno. Available on Amazon Prime this February. Taron Edgerton could not be reached for comment.
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